Can you tell me what you think of the start of my story (big post)?
This is a long post, its the kinda first chapter of a story i’m writing, Its kinda controversial if you get some of the meaning behind part of it.
A world of peace, green trees, white snow, blue skies, even fluffy clouds. You know all the stuff you see everyday and don’t think about. Even clear water, fresh air, and my personal favorite, indoor plumbing. Have you picture a world without theses. Since the dawn of time we have had at least some of theses, there natural parts of life. Well at least there supposed to be natural parts of life. The only problem is there is a disease in the natural parts of life and for thousands of years no one has seen It but its been there. It’s always been there and always will be till it kills itself off, it’s human.
The world I grew up in has none of that. The world I grew up in would come from the minds of people like Wes Craven, Charles Madsen, and the nightmares of mass murders all rolled into one. It’s the end of the world yet the beginning of a new one. I guess the closest thing I can have you compare it to be a wasteland, destroyed cities and polluted rivers. No one could live in an area like this, yet some how we do.
Our lives have kind of evolved (or de-evolved depending on how you looked at it) into a whole new way of living. All water now had to be filtered a bunch of times before it would be useable. Animals were now really scarce and there for meat was a luxury. Crops were extremely hard to get to grow in the radio active dirt and were an extremely protected commodity. No one was surprised if there were guard towers all around it and protected by razor wire. The worst was the air thought, it was inhabitable.
At first we tried to hide from the air. Scientist say that domes would be the way to go but then the population started to grow. All domes were getting overrun and we could not keep making new ones quick enough. They decided that there needed to be some way for us to be able to go out into the air. The solution was Aireotox, A drug that could allow the body to protect its self from the airs toxins and radioactive debris. Everyone was happy, but it came at a cost.
Aireotox was developed by a company called Dernier Espoir, which roughly translated was French for last hope. They were about to produce this drug that some how made our immune systems super powers but it was temporary. You had to have the injection about every 180 days give or take. So every half year you had to report to a worksite and have this huge needle inserted right into your lung to allow your body to brave the outside airs.
But humans, once again being the disease that we are have a problem, greed and power. Dernier Espoir plans were to make the drug available to the public so that we could all enjoy the benefits. That’s when the movement started, a militia started to form. They called themselves the Guardians of Destruction, GOD for short. They said they were there to keep the world from falling back into runes of destruction. They took over the DE’s labartorys and with it control of the Aireotox.
Times then got worst as GOD then started there own government as they called it and started trying to control us. They made rules and regulations that they thought would make them more powerful. They then said that if you did not follow them they would not administer that drug to you. They then started making everyone pay taxes to them every month. Things kept getting worse and worse and never seemed to stop.
Then came Stagmer Kingsley, I man who no one knew of. He rose up out of the sewers some say. He used to be a researcher for DE and was in charge of there air control division. He had found a way to purify the air to the point that humans could breathe it without the drug. He then called to the people and said that to live free again, follow him. Many people did do that and they started to build building away form GODs control and told them to stuck there drug up there ass. GOD was pissed and sent its army to destroy anyone who followed Stagmer Kingsley, who then just became The King. That’s when the war started and people were split into two groups. You were either with King or GOD there was no inbetween.
As GODs army closed in on where The Kings people were staying they found that no one was there, all the buildings that they were making on the surface were a distraction, and the true place was the massive city that they had build underground. The King and GOD were then separated by about a mile of solid rock.
Everything was then calm for the time as everyone was content with there leaders they choose. Kings people lived free underground but trapped in there city and GODs people lived under rule but in the air on the surface. That’s what life had come to be now. So you see why I envy everything that you had back then, the shit you take for granted. And that brings you to who I am.
My name is Shadow Wright; I guess y
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Tagged with: blue skies • clear water • closest thing • dawn of time • domes • fluffy clouds • fresh air • green trees • guard towers • indoor plumbing • madsen • mass murders • nightmares • polluted rivers • razor wire • theses • wasteland • wes craven • white snow • world of peace
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"Fluffy clouds even." Reminds me of (was it?) Snaggletooth in old cartoons.
* You know all the stuff you see everyday and don’t think about.
Run on sentence. DO I know the stuff I see every day if I’m not thinking?
* Have you picture a world without theses.
Huh?
Sorry. What follows may be sincere, but I cannot continue without recompense ( ;
Is English your first language? I’m going to take a guess that it isn’t, and that’s not meant as an insult. I suggest you begin with an editor, or a beta reader. Someone who can comb through your work and mark up all the mistakes. For starters, you have many spelling and tense mistakes. You use incorrect words at times, as well as incorrect grammar.
Secondly, I’d suggest getting a fact checker. Even in fiction, there are certain guidelines that need to be adhered to, and it will help your story immensely if you can discover which apply to you and what you’re trying to convey in your work.
Lastly, reread your first chapter and reconsider the amount of information you want to expose your reader to initially. A lot of writers make the mistake of trying to completely explain themselves and their idea right off the bat. This generally is not what a reader will enjoy.
If you want to begin with a narrative, try adding a scene right from the start in which your character is in need of one. Set it up and then launch into narrative. Or, simply begin with narrative, then gradually use it as a means to pan out into a selected scene. This way you’re providing the narrative as a necessity, in order to aid understanding of the character’s situation. Simply setting up narrative, launching backstory and then introducing the narrator will not provide the depth of context necessary to acclimate the reader to your world.
Remember: You want to grab attention and draw your reader in from the beginning, or they will not be likely to continue past the first few pages. You can have the best idea in the world, but if you aren’t careful in its handling and presentation, very few people will have the wherewithal to experience it.